Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Attack Of The 1 Foot Long Maxipad

This blog talks about periods, pads, and tampons. If any of those make you uncomfortable I suggest you read further and join in the hilarity. :D

Ladies. Maxipads. Uuuggghhhh. RIGHT?  We all know the doctors advise not to sleep with tampons hanging out in your body but we all do it anyway.  That is until we start having some possible issues which cause us to remember those important words and which then cause us to succumb to purchasing these miniature diapers as our mothers did for us when we were but a wee tween. 

Now men, just so you know, buying tampons is TOTALLY accepted these days. You go in, you grab a box, you pay, no one looks at you twice. BUT when you venture out of the feminine hygene aisle carrying a package of these bright colored, "They aren't diapers but they SOUND like diapers when you walk"/ "Have a happy period said no one EVER", contraptions, women will completely clue in to what you have in your hands. Not only that, they KNOW the color combinations for the different varieties as well. So when you walk out of that aisle, trying to conceal the package under a magazine, know that even the women at the other end of the store can see the bright orange tab indicating "OVERNIGHT PROTECTION" and look at you with a face of "Oooooohhhhh noooooooooo" like you've tucked your skirt in to the back of your underwear.

Being that I have ignored my doctor's advice for years, I am no longer privy to the details of said items, especially the OVERNIGHT PROTECTION version I have been forced to acquire.  Details, you ask?  Actually more like DETAIL.

Just one.

Which one?


That's right. 12 INCHES.  1 FOOT for those who need to compare the measurement with a sub sandwhich. 

It could be that I grabbed the wrong size. I don't know IS there even sizing for these things?? In tampons we have the following:
Light: "It's just sprinkling"
Regular: "Nothing out of the ordinary to see here!"
Super: "Don't worry it's just a flesh wound"
Super Plus: "You might want to get that looked at but they make the size so I'm sure you're fine."

These can all come in one package too in case your body has NO idea what it's doing and you need to prepare boy scout style.

Anyway, back to the maxipad. I could use this sucker to treat a head wound! I could use it as a HAMMOCK for Barbie Dolls (why didn't I think of that when I was a KID???).  I could even use it as a beer coozie. I would too.

So ladies, for those of you who wear these ridiculous, diaper wannabes, on a regular basis I am standing up RIGHT NOW and starting a slow clap.  I'm serious.  You can make these as thin as you want "Always" but they STILL CRINKLE WHEN YOU WALK! Like a small plastic bag hanging our in your crotch. It's like trying to pop out a piece of gum in the middle of a quiet movie theatre except in this case NO ONE is going to want a piece.

At all.