Tuesday, October 23, 2012

The Follow Up

After my last blog I was bombarded, no not the right word, inundated (there we go) with people commenting and messaging me words of encouragement as well as sharing their own private struggles and I really hope I sounded sincere over the interwebs when I said thank you because I truly and absolutely am.  I'm not naive to think that I'm the only one struggling with what I'm hearing is now coined as "First World" problems, but sometimes people hide their struggles very very well.  Rightly so I suppose, I just tend to have an issue with the filter part of my mouth/brain and use this form of media as therapy. :) 

Since the last blog I have been beginning to add elements of my old routine back in to my life. Last week wasn't perfect (Sorry Ains) and this week may not be either but the way I see it I'm moving in the right direction.  Thoughts of competing are still in my head however thankfully I am no longer filled with overwhelming thoughts of doubt and anxiety.  I think something may have been released with the publishing of my last blog. Something I needed to get out and not just to my friends and family but to everyone.  Sometimes I have moments where I think it was highly selfish and conceited to post all of it, that people would be assuming it was for attention, but then I remember all of the people who contacted me directly to tell me their trials and tribulations and I remember the motivation behind it all, behind everything I do.  To help people by sharing my experiences.  Sure this blog is a very small piece of the puzzle but if you're looking for subjects of conversation such as constipation, Carb Zombies, and non-evil Stepmothers, I've got you covered. It's the least I can do. ;)

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Living On The Edge

There comes a time when a person has to take a step back from the craziness of life and get perspective of what's going on around them.  This week I had to do just that.  A lot has happened this year, most of it within the last 4 months. Anyone who checks this babble from time to time will know what I'm talking about but for those just stopping by here's the run down.

In the beginning it was just my husband and I, roaming freely, all the time in the world.  Then we got a dog because we got a bigger house, and well I couldn't resist his cute furry face staring back at me from my computer screen.  We formed a new routine around the dog and it was working.  Then this past March circumstances arose that brought the possibility of us having my step son full time which did end up happening in June of this year.  All of a sudden I went from a fur mom to a full time step mom to a 13 year old boy. 

We were extremely happy and for my husband, who had been parenting for 13 years already, this change was a no brainer.  (or so it seemed anyway. Obviously there's learning curves) For me on the other hand, I had been spending the last year and a half training a dog to sit, stay and lay down.  The commands were simple! I remembered them, the dog remembered them (though he has selective hearing), we were good.  I knew nothing about parenting a human child minus the parenting I received from my own mother, whom I think did a pretty freakin good job by the way. ;)  So here's me, faced with the challenge of being a good role model, using the tools I learned from my mom, and hoping to the Gods I didn't screw anything up. 

I'm going to be straight up honest here (surprise I know!) and admit that I live with anxiety about alot of things all the time.  Simple things like money and driving to areas in Winnipeg I've never been to.  I handled it my own way, spending a whole day mapping out where I'd have to go.  Making sure if I got lost I knew the streets in and around the area I was travelling, printing everything off including street views if there are any for the buildings in the area, having all of my bases covered.  So when it came time to prepare for Stepmotherhood I did what I normally do, I tried to prepare. I tried to find books and articles about it that related to me, which is more difficult than you would think for my particular situation, and did you know that ALL Stepmothers are made out to be evil?? Seriously every book, article, all of it. I need to fix that.

Anyway, I'm rambling.  To get to the point my anxiety couldn't handle that there was nothing for me to prepare with. Nothing for me to have in my hands to refer to on this journey. I'd panick, have crying fits. I stopped working out so I could focus on adapting to our new situation because I couldn't figure out how to fit it in.  I can now honestly say I understand when people say "I don't have time to work out." Because  didn't.  And with not working out, the eating slipped and though my husband and I, who worked with me through all of my freakouts bless his heart, managed to squeak in a few workouts here and there, our original plan was no longer the plan.  We needed a new plan. 

In the midst of figuring out a new plan we got a new dog which was actually the best thing we could have done.  Before all of the above happened we were planning on it anyway and we decided to follow through.  He fit right in to our routine and has provided extreme comic relief in times of stress and for that I'm thankful.  As well as a new dog I started a new venture and decided to explore my love and apparent talent for photography.  I not only volunteer with a local rescue, Manitoba Mutts Dog Rescue, as a photographer but word has spread and I now have the pleasure of photographing engagements, weddings and families.  It makes my free time not so free but I am honored to be a part of the industry and hope to make more of a name for myself in the future.

Now let me get back to the first sentence of this long winded blog. If you made it this far I thank you for reading my story. :)  There comes a time when a person needs to take a step back from the craziness of life and get perspective of what's going on around them.  My original new plan was to start my MABBA competition training and head for the stage in 2013. I had fallen off the waggon and decided to start walking in my own direction, as per a previous blog, and I wanted to get back on the righ path.  I contacted my fantastic trainer, Ainsley McSorely, we put together a plan and the day after I got it, while I was shopping for groceries, I found myself having the all too familiar anxiety at the thought of competing amidst the craziness that is currently my life.  I was in the frozen veggie isle trying to decide between broccoli and green beans when the attack came and I was in a haze for the rest of the day.  I continued to have an internal battle with myself about whether to compete, whether I was mentally ready for that challenge and I came to a conclusion.

I'm not.

After sleeping on it and talking to my husband and my trainer I realized that, it's ok that I'm not ready! What's not ok is that I'm out of sorts from my routine, from the goals that I had set for myself.  So I have a new plan, a flexible plan, that will allow me to decide as I go what I want to do.  There is an extreme amount of opportunity coming to Manitoba in 2013 regarding the fitness industry so I will have the option of choosing what's right for me. I will still of course be working with Gorilla Jack on my supplement reviews and possible blogging which I am very much looking forward to.  Expect the same honesty there as you do here. ;)

Of course my hubby, as usual, is working with me towards similar goals.  He is my rock and I couldn't have gotten through alot of things without him so to have him as my spotter both in life and in the gym makes me feel extremely blessed.  Together we will get through the challenges life has brought us and come out of it bonded closer than ever.  Also I cannot forget my family and friends who listen to me blab on about all of my anxieties.  You could tell me to shut up because really, they're first world problems, but you don't. Thank you. :)

Thank you all who have made it to this point.  It's a long one I'm aware but there's alot to be said, alot I wanted to put out there.  One of my goals in life is to always be honest, regardless of the consequences, simply because that's who I am.  The more I put out there the more chance I have of helping someone who is going through the same thing and thought they too were alone.