It's been a while since I've blogged again, seems I have been internalizing a lot of crap. On April 30th I had an umbilical hernia repair and I've been left with Frankenbelly and a wandering mind.
The scar itself isn't bad at all though I've never been concerned with scars on my body since I am no stranger to body marks. However the internals of said scar and the affect it's had on my abdominal muscles is quite surprising. I'm also constantly worried I'm going to damage something if I try to workout and it usually hurts the next day. I'm babying myself as I tend to when something hurts. I have been trying to eat my emotions of not having a "summer body" away. The emotions of no longer fitting a size 5/6. The emotions of not being able to wear jeans to work because the pressure on my stomach hurts for days afterwards.
The emotions of now having a belly button that looks like an anus.
Don't get me wrong I am SUPER happy I don't have an alien coming out of my stomach anymore but was it entirely necessary to pull it so tight Doc??
Anyway, I am in full pitty party mode. I have a 4 day outdoor music festival coming up at the end of the month and the thought of walking around in a bikini top is terrifying me. But you want to know what I KNOW???
IT'S ALL IN MY HEAD.
SURE I have more cellulite on my stomach than I've ever had but the Tim Horton's breakfast sandwiches for breakfast are not helping that situation are they??? REALITY is I'm a size 8. I have a 33-34"-ish waist when measured across my belly button but I'm still swollen from surgery. I'm 39" across the widest part of my hips but that's because I'm trying to build an ass not lose it by being a cardio queen. I can't fit in to my size 5/6 clothes that I wore when I was 118lbs but I'm also 5'6" so being 118lbs results in me walking around looking like a bobble head.
Bottom line I've been looking in the wrong places for self-esteem validation and I realized this weekend that it's best to clear out that shit. Sell it, give it away, whatever, but having it sitting in a rubber maid bin under my bed taunting me is not the right place for it. Eating disorders come in many forms and I do believe I have one of them but being aware of it is one of the key points to getting past it. :)